Am so tired.its all I do..complain that is…..boys really are a handful.Living with him is not a picnic either….some days are better than others…his unexpected acts of kindness leave me in a limbo.I have no idea how to categorize now…Each day is to get by.From meals to meals,from naps to naps…don’t get me wrong,I love my life with kids and all.But i guess once in a while I just want to have a break.And even in this sweltering heat,I have to beg people to keep an eye on them to take a shower.Each day is spent inside,with kids running amok.I really should learn to drive but am powerless in front of people who dictate my life.
Just writing it makes me feel a bit better.More later.
I find it hard to sleep at night.Unless I’m bone tired(which is like everyday)or have debilitating headache(which is often,thanks to Mirena!)I often wake up more times than I use to and not to pee but to suddenly find my self up and have a harder time falling asleep.I also think am having hot flashes(but could be the heat in the apartment too)My life is perfect and to the world,I seem collected and happy.Happy,I am but collected…hell no!I find myself scattered in different directions.
There is something which I have put on here before.MIL used to live in the same building as us.When I met Hubby,I had no idea that one I will be marrying him.He is older than me and frankly,marriage was the last thing on my mind.I hadn’t thought about house,home,husband or babies.But once we did get married,I vowed never to become that kind of daughter-in-law.And I wasn’t until I had kids.My fault?I can’t deal with criticism very well.Iimmediately get defensive and sometimes lash out or start brooding.Lately,it’s like I’m very short-tempered and kiddos are getting the burnt of it.Oh don’t get me wrong,no spanking or corporal punishment in my house,just gnashing of my teeth or sending them in naughty corner way too often.When I’m doing that,it’s like I have split up and a the sane me is all like they are toddlers,they are bound to jump from furniture.Don’t get mad,deal it properly.While the other half seethes and gets really mad.My soulltion is to just remove myself from the situation(very hard to do so!very small apartment.No where to go!!)
I have to get out of this emotional pit.I’m saddened to see the blog ging in this direction.It started off as a hopeful naive log book for me.Has it only been 2.5 years??Really?
R is coughing.Am frustrated at the Paed.he thinks it’s reactive airways.What the hell does that mean.Isn’t it just a fancy word for Asthma?But he is not understanding me.2 other doctors told me it’s nothing,just a bug he picked up since he started Play group.He also has eczema.which is keeping him up at night.He is scratching himself like crazy.I have cried numerous times on that.Our appointement went well.They both were aloof towards the therapist.Mostly wanting to play with the toys(they don’t have that kind of toys)She was unconcerned and laughed of many things.Which is a relief.But told me to have a structured routine.Am spreading myself too thin.Baby M is scooting already and has to be rescued constantly.Twinkies playing tag indoors big chance of getting trampled.i can’t poor baby M in his pack n play forever.He want to be let out too.
I feel better writing this all down.And I know no one is reading.More catharsis later!!
Who has taken my manageable twins and left me with these masses of flailing arms and screaming fiends??It’s been so cold outside and we have no activity what so ever.They went to play group and returned with nasty stomach bugs.Am scared t o take them again.MIL is trying to send me to an early grave.All she does is talk and while she does keep an eye on them(so that she can tell me and their mischief,it inevitably saves their lives as they are prone to jumping from every damn thing!!)
SILs make major life decisions and I’m not told.I have no problems with that.But stop being Saints!MIL covers up so much for them.Lady,I have no problems with them not telling me stuff,in fact I couldn’t care less.Please I don’t need to hear how it’s ok for them to do that all day long.She is really pushing buttons…oh man the list is too long.Tonight R was being naughty and did something,she yelled so much and escalated the situation that R was yelled at by husband and sent to naughty corner by me because he lost it and was trying to hit me(they both are hitting me!Whats up with that??I never hit!Husband doesn’t…so WTF?)Afterwards,as he sat sobbing in the naughty spot,she blamed us(read me) for raising him like this???really??really??
Am too mad now,more later…
Time for some bad poetry!!
What do you say to a woman
who is bone tired and so weary
what do you say to a woman
who has been sick for weeks,
who is manages everything while you are off gallivanting to God knows where
what do you say to a woman,
who has a earache so bad
that her head feels as if a million pounds
what do you say to a woman
who cooked,cleaned,did everything despite that
who chugged OJ and Tylenol
not once succumbing to her heartfelt desire to lie on floor
and have a tantrum,
what do you say ??
what do you say to a woman
who has been listening to your mom spouting off
all day long,
Even though it made earache oh-so-bad
who went on being an obedient(read door-mat) in spite of all that
what do you say honey ?
you take a look at your dinner,grimace and reluctantly eat a few bite
“When are you going to learn to cook?”
I feel as if the blogging community is like high school.And I ‘m the kid,who arrived late and have weird clothes.Since my blog has no picture and I hardly ever write,it’s unfair of me to assume that i would get some advice or support.Still it feels good to write here.At least can delete everything and be done with the lot in a few minutes.Where diaries are harder to burn and would have to hide them from prying eyes all the time.
Am discovering a whole new side of husband.it’s like he has forgotten me.Granted,he has been working very hard.Ever since he was laid off,we have been struggling.I have to give him credit that he always manages to put good food on the table etc etc but when he has time,he would much rather talk to friends than me.When i was pregnant with M,he didn’t help much.At that time,I was under mistaken assumption that am super mom and can manage everything by my self.Afterall I was doing it for past 2 years.But I had forgotten,i was all by myself(now there’s MIL….Oh My Word!!) and no new baby.
R is ready to be potty trained.He isn’t very vocal and would much rather show me the poo then say he’s done.I have to keep a hawk’s eye on him.Also he has taken to climb up on cupboards and stand and call me to get him down.S goes under the radar a lot but is such a joyful child(when he wants too)he’s way head stronger.Naps,bed times,all meals are mentally exhausting.And now I don’t have time to scour blogs to find what works for other people.
Take today,I had a ton of dishes.The boys were done with their milk and they had to be brushed.Husband was awake but would much rather watch TV than help me out with the kids.MIL went to bed since she is sick.(we all are.I had a nasty ear ache for past few days which got so bad that even my jaws hurt.It’s by no means better.Just masked by Tylenol)MIL is behaving as if she is passing away!it’s only few sneezes and a runny nose,lady!So MIL and husband were in their respective beds and I spotted R taking off his diaper(I was doing dishes),so I took him to the washroom while the baby screamed himself blue.Baby is sick too.But despite all that noise and my repeated asking,no one came to pick up the baby.So I had to hoist the baby in my arms while I helped R wipe and stuff.
Am just so tired.Mirena is making my limbs ache a lot.All the time.In the morning I can’t even walk properly for the first few minutes.I know,I should take care of myself and that it would affect my children…blah..blah….but we currently have no car(Husband is taking bus to work.He is way too busy to buy a car:-S)and it’s -22 outside.i can’t go anywhere.Am not taking my lot and MIL to the dr.’s office,might decide to throw myself under the bus or her….hmmmm
(just a joke:P)
My R is a normal child but is a slow talker.We got the verdict today and it seems he had receded because of the new baby and that every child deals this situation in his/her own way.We shouldn’t be pushing him but gently encouraging him.
Yay…rejoicing all around!the doting Grandmother is disappointed..seriously??!!
I have been busy with bunch of other stuff.Remember R,my sweet boy.I called a speech therapist who asked me a bunch of questions and then hinted that their might be something wrong with him.It was dark few days.Until I called the number she gave me.That lady there asked me specific questions and told me there is nothing wrong with him.HE IS JUST A SLOW TALKER!!!Exactly!
Whenever he says stuff,he says it clearly.But he would much rather not talk.He like playing with his brother.He is bright and he is kind of brainy.Going over baby gates,yea he know how to go over them.Outlet covers,he knows how to take them out.In short,thanks to MIL,I had horrendous few days analyzing my boy.And crying.A lot.And unloading on my poor mum.And making her cry.Gosh!
Although,it was mutually decided that boys need more outside exposure.I’m unable to got out because MIL suddenly doesn’t want to be left behind!!!The things I have heard,I would never say to anyone.She is a mean lady.Before I had kids,I used to be all there for her.Now i can’t and that pisses her off.I didn’t want to be that DIL,the one who dislikes her MIL.We got on excellent terms before S,R and M arrived.And now I just can’t seem to do anything right.Suddenly husband made a bad choice etc.
Am just tired.i should be happy,listening to gurgles etc instead,I cry because am a bad mother,bad wife,bad daughter-in-law,bad house keeper etc.
on a cheerier note,had my periods so yay.Never thought I would hear myself saying that!