What went wrong….(catharsis part 1)

I find it hard to sleep at night.Unless I’m bone tired(which is like everyday)or have debilitating headache(which is often,thanks to Mirena!)I often wake up more times than I use to and not to pee but to suddenly find my self up and have a harder time falling asleep.I also think am having hot flashes(but could be the heat in the apartment too)My life is perfect and to the world,I seem collected and happy.Happy,I am but collected…hell no!I find myself scattered in different directions.
There is something which I have put on here before.MIL used to live in the same building as us.When I met Hubby,I had no idea that one I will be marrying him.He is older than me and frankly,marriage was the last thing on my mind.I hadn’t thought about house,home,husband or babies.But once we did get married,I vowed never to become that kind of daughter-in-law.And I wasn’t until I had kids.My fault?I can’t deal with criticism very well.Iimmediately get defensive and sometimes lash out or start brooding.Lately,it’s like I’m very short-tempered and kiddos are getting the burnt of it.Oh don’t get me wrong,no spanking or corporal punishment in my house,just gnashing of my teeth or sending them in naughty corner way too often.When I’m doing that,it’s like I have split up and a the sane me is all like they are toddlers,they are bound to jump from furniture.Don’t get mad,deal it properly.While the other half seethes and gets really mad.My soulltion is to just remove myself from the situation(very hard to do so!very small apartment.No where to go!!)
I have to get out of this emotional pit.I’m saddened to see the blog ging in this direction.It started off as a hopeful naive log book for me.Has it only been 2.5 years??Really?
R is coughing.Am frustrated at the Paed.he thinks it’s reactive airways.What the hell does that mean.Isn’t it just a fancy word for Asthma?But he is not understanding me.2 other doctors told me it’s nothing,just a bug he picked up since he started Play group.He also has eczema.which is keeping him up at night.He is scratching himself like crazy.I have cried numerous times on that.Our appointement went well.They both were aloof towards the therapist.Mostly wanting to play with the toys(they don’t have that kind of toys)She was unconcerned and laughed of many things.Which is a relief.But told me to have a structured routine.Am spreading myself too thin.Baby M is scooting already and has to be rescued constantly.Twinkies playing tag indoors big chance of getting trampled.i can’t poor baby M in his pack n play forever.He want to be let out too.
I feel better writing this all down.And I know no one is reading.More catharsis later!!

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